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Archive for June, 2008

Another week gone, and while I am at the moment no longer in the sky dungeon safely tucked away, not much has changed in that sense. I am not tied to a couple of leash rings inside the house. Still “All alone in the dark” as it were. 😉 Of course, there is less and less to write, all days are the same, the hours floating into each other.

And (as predicted) with the newest Restrained Life Viewer, I am now even cut off from listening to group chat. And no, I don’t actually respond to general group chat, apart from the Subbie Union group chat. And mostly just for the fun of it, I actually *do* know I am gagged and my client is blocking incoming and outgoing

But three weeks. I have never been locked up that long in my life. And yet it doesn’t seem to affect me as much as I thought it would. It’s calming actually in a sort of strange way. I did notice that without any contact at all it’s slightly harder.

Part of me fears sliding down into this feeling of extreme isolation. I can’t really think of a word to describe it. But basically its a state where there is very little exciting happening and it’s rough going. I’ve been there earlier when I was doing my first isolation experiments.And on the other hand, part of me kinda wants to get there as well. I guess more than anything else it would tell me how far I am getting to my limits to my breaking point.

Of course with approaching that there is always the part of me that is stubborn and wants to push further and further to please Mistress. 🙂 One thing I did notice, is that for now, I am having less problems with communicating. In previous times I needed some time to adapt to normal speaking patterns, perhaps as I had gotten used to it. I don’t know. I am not sure how I will react when I get out of this. I did notice when I could talk to people for a couple of days back, I found it, well kinda angsty to talk to people. Guess time and experience will tell how this will affect me.

I wait

I breathe

I surrender

I live

I am

I just .. am.

xx
lexi

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Just a small note really, (and so people can find it through google):

Loom Kish has released the latest version of Marine’s Restrained Life viewer for Linux (verison 1.11.5):

It’s currently hosted on Rapidshare and can be accessed there:

Have fun and enjoy.

xx
lexi

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Well tonight I passed the a “magical” point for me .. I have now been locked up and basically isolated from the world for a hundred hours!! Locked away in the dark, unable to hear, unable to speak unable to talk to friends in IM’s or even listen to IM’s.

Not bad going for someone who came into SL and didn’t like to be locked up for long periods of time. *giggles* I mean 30 minutes! it’s a lot! 😉 (okay, was a lot)

The only connection with the outside world is currently group IM’s. And I guess that once Loom Kish gets around releasing Restrained Life 1.11.5 for Linux, *that* particularly part will also be cut off.

And you know, despite the fact that my world is basically black and despite that the only person in world I talk to is Mistress, it’s okay. I am not even bored! I am calm and happy and actually relaxed.

Yesterday I ran across a blog by Pu571’s called “becoming nothing” where she among others talks about bondage scenes becoming boring and repetive, and the power of being isolated:

there is one exception to this . that’s when, counter-intuitively, boredom IS the fetish. dull fun.

this is what is means to be a mannequin, statue, furniture or other objectified item.

being left to stand in place, being commanded not to move, speak, or think, can’t become boring in the same way as other exciting fantasies. or rather, it can, but if there is even a tiny spark of excitement remaining when involved in the scene, the boredom actually becomes a trigger for increasing pleasure.

And I so agree with it. To be in that kind of state, to become really that dependent for contact in a world where social interaction is key, to be come that completly and devotedly focussed on one person, to just be there, just being ready and waiting for Mistress, to be hers to do as she pleases, it’s a mind trip all right. I have no idea how long I am going to be locked up like this, maybe .. even *IF* I ever get released?

Who knows?

Who cares?

it’s really not in my hands any more.

I am happy,

I am hers
xx

lexi

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Well the second week has come and gone and so far, I’ve been doing well. Sure part of me misses being able to go where I want, when I want. The biggest thing I am missing is talking to my dear friends and going to those few events that I like attending. I know that I am already have a bit of a natural habit to isolate myself.

Part of the reason I loved Mistress’ home so much, because it was so quiet and peaceful. it’s a natural barrier that sits quite well with me. But on the other hand, I am immensely grateful for those friends who keep poring and poking me, and get me to come to their events. (You know who y’all are).

However, so far I am doing really well, I think. I have been now isolated, blind and deaf for over two weeks inworld and so far I have not had any trouble dealing with it. My cuffs have roughly collected about eighty-odd hours of time on them, so in that case, I have broken new records as well.

Perhaps it’s the fact that while being locked up I am not being confronted with people and therefore less pressed upon and missing social interaction. Or perhaps rather being confronted at an inability of being able to socially interact or in case of banishment, even being punished for interaction (whether intentionally or unintentionally ).

Anyway for now my *second* week of being isolated is done, and we’re gently moving into the third one. I guess as a reason for my “good behaviour“, Mistress lifted most of my restrictions. Which means I can do most things people would consider normal (like talking, inventory, etc), but as far as that, I am still restricted in movement, I am still blindfolded (albeit blurry), and gagged.

I have noticed though, that I am a bit more withdrawn. If this is just normal part of the isolation I am not sure. I feel, actually a bit withdrawn, perhaps disassociated with the rest of the world. I know that last time I was isolated, it took me a while to come back to my normal self again. But this feels slightly different.

Guess part of it has to do with that last time, when Mistress freed me from isolation, I was nearing the point where it occasionally became very hard going. Right now I feel pretty much like I am on day 2 or 3 of that experience. I am still enjoying it.

Frankly it gives me a sense of balance and stability for some reason. I might ask Mistress to lock me back up tonight. Maybe stricter than before, but at least in a way that I can find that balance again.

I guess I am leaving you with one quote I saw when watching Babylon 5 re-runs:

Everything out there has only one purpose; to distract us from ourselves, What is truly important. But there are no distractions in here. We can learn much from silence.

–G’Kar

xx

lexi

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Mistress just loves shopping. I mean who doesn’t. If I have the money for it, I love wandering from shop to shop popping here and there, looking around, taking forever (and I mean forever) to make up my mind. I remember Mistress bought me a cheongsam, I had the choice between a red or a black one, otherwise completely identical. Mistress was really patient with me lol

One of the ways Mistress just loves to take me shopping, is actually bound and gagged and hopping behind her on a leash. I guess it does cut down on time and smart arsed comments from yours truly.

So the other night was no difference when it was decided for me that I really needed a bit more fresh air. However this was done without actually breaking any of the isolation I was in. To say it was an interesting shopping trip, is an understatement.

Not being able to see, hear anything else, or do anything, I was completely dependent on Mistress. I could guess a couple of locations where we went based on the sim-names. But the longer the shopping trips went on, the more I just got disoriented and “lost”. Well, not lost, but more aware how depending I was on being led around. If she would have gone, I would be left alone, unable to speak, hear or anything. (Sure, of course, there are always means of escape, but I mean, without cheating out of something)

It was interesting and in it’s own way pretty intense.

xx

lexi

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Well, tonight my first week of being isolated once again from the rest of the world ended. While I hadn’t really expected to be released just yet (she had mentioned she wanted me to break the records on my cuffs. So tonight she untied me and took me to Castle Darkstone, in Excession: and told me the following:

Thalia Rau: 🙂 now for the new plan. you can earn your freedom as well as a bonus. 🙂
Thalia Rau: we are at the entrance to the trap room.
Thalia Rau: I will remove your blindfold and you will navigate the trap room.
Thalia Rau: If you can get through with no traps being sprung then you are free at the end.
Thalia Rau: for each trap you spring you get one day of isolation. as furhter incentive if you trip three or less traps you still get isolation but still get the bonus.

So here I was. The blindfold was set to blurry, by my request really. I really would have hated to lost the 40 odd hours I have now accumulated, and yes, I love to break my records on my cuffs. I waited for Mistress to open the doors and ran upstairs, I walked through the door.

See the trick with the cage room is that the doors are pretty quite close to each others, so you wold almost be tempted to try and walk a straight line. This is where I went wrong as well. Immediately I got caged twice in a row, although Mistress was as kind to let the second go uncounted.

So being slightly the wiser, I started to walk down the end and turned left .. feeling my luck. I managed to get down the half way mark but then I lost my stroke of luck really, and it counted up quickly. Before I knew it I was on 3 violations and well, with not only freedom but also a secret bonus (which I still don’t know what it is) on the line, I tried a straight line for the door.

(me in the cageroom being stuck)

Oh my, what a case of “So close, but yet so far”, I quickly got two more violations against me before I headed through the door. To be honest, I was half thinking of trying another way so I could have earned another two days, making it exactly another week to be spend in isolation.

Now sure, it looks easy .. but let me show you how things kinda looked from *my* end of things:

(as you can see, a lot less visibility)

Anyway, the result is that I am back in my pit cell, and have to endure at least another five days of being completely isolated from the world. We ended the evening talking wonderfully about various very delicious looking latex outfits (bar one, that was pink!) *grins*

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Well it’s a well known fact that Mistress, can be quite evil at times. One of the things she loves to do is to ask me “What is in it for me?”. Which signals the start of me trying to negotiate what I want in exchange for, well something she wants. This usually ends up with me desperately trying to find something that makes it worth it.

So last time was no difference; her question “What do I get out of the deal?” and I ‘panicked’ as per usual. I have no idea what to give her, what to offer. I mean, what do you offer someone that is in control of your life and you would do anything (well almost anything, I have my limits) to please them.

After frantically racking my brain, I decided on offering her a week in complete isolation. Of course the moment I offered that we were already in our dungeon (in the pit cell to be exact). So that is really where I am. I am tied inside the pit, unable to escape, blindfolded, gagged, and leashed by my collar, wrist shackles and my ankle shackles.

Of course all restrictions are turned on, so I can’t really do anything but just wait for her there: I can’t edit/rez things (if I could see to begin with), use my maps (both map and mini map are blocked), Inventory and such are blocked as well. And of course I can’t receive note cards. Well, I can receive them, just not read them.

If that wasn’t enough, she used the plugins in my Amethyst collar to make me IM-deaf and IM-mute. So I can’t speak to anyone else. Even people coming close I can’t hear, unless they speak in really short actions (ie the /me thing). Considering that the dungeon is guarded by a sadistic bubble-bot, I am by all means, quite alone in the dark.

And you know what it is okay. There is some stuff going on in my life which is impacting on me quite heavy, and in a way being isolated and protected from everything else just feels nice, it’s almost kinda wrapped up tight and protecting. And I know Mistress gets a kick out of knowing I can’t go anywhere.

Hmm I wonder if channel 77 (the command channel for the real restraints) has been blocked yet 😉

So if you have been wondering where I have been hanging out since last week, that is where. Quietly, restrained, blind to the world. I do feel somewhat guilty at those who try to contact me. Considering I can’t read the notes you all send me, nor respond to your IM’s. But I promise I will be back in touch once I get out.

Right now my cuffs are ranking somewhere around the 30 hours and officially my week is tomorrow over. However Mistress has mentioned she would like me to break my records, which might mean I will be longer locked up (my highest record is somewhere around 78 hours) and you know what?

Part of me wants to break that record and get somewhere near a 100 hours. *grins* and part of me: Just wants to be there as long as she wishes to be. One other thing: I am still convinced that timers are both a blessing and a curse. While it is nice to know how much time I have spend locked up, I also *Hate* to know it. Being locked up for me is not about “the time” but about pleasing Mistress and doing what she (and of course what I) love to do, and what we want to do.

ps; “for those wanting to contact me (and happen to read my blog)“: just leave a comment here. I can’t respond to you in world, not by IM, not by notecard. The only way would be if you get close enough, and then you have to be able to translate my garbled mumbles.

xx
lexi

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